Happiness

Here’s the inevitable: I’m getting older every day. As each day passes, I feel the same, but when I look back at this exact time last year, I was a completely different person, and I think that’s okay. I know what I want from my life, for the most part. I keep forgetting that life isn’t an end result, rather a long journey through countless obstacles and numerous celebrations.

Getting older is scary. I’m not even old yet. I’m 19, but I feel 35. I forget that I’m so young. I forget that everyone around me is growing older by the minute. I’m too busy worrying about the end result of my life instead of living in the present and taking life as it comes to me.

My amazing friend asked me the other day, “Have you found anything that gives you fulfillment? Have you ever been truly happy?” And I thought for a minute or so and I realized I have only been truly happy when I was working with elementary students, no matter where that was. I’m not happy with my life right now, except working with kids. I’m not happy at school, I’m not happy at home, I’m not happy at work, I’m not happy with any significant others.

I’m like 94% introvert, as well as a people pleaser, so I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to make others happy before myself, or even in spite of myself. As long as they got what they wanted, it didn’t matter how I felt or how it affected me.

I don’t think that life is supposed to be like that. I should be finding happiness and fulfillment in where I am and who I’m with and I just haven’t found that. So instead of being in a rut, I’m going to make some scary changes.

No more. I’m tired to trying to please everyone and keep up this image of an obedient, goody-two-shoes. That isn’t me. I need to do what’s best for me and if that means someone else isn’t happy, then that isn’t my problem. I’m not responsible for anyone else but myself right now. I need to do what I need to do in order to better myself and do what I’ve always dreamed of.

I’m going to travel, start over, be real with people, and not be walked over anymore.

I don’t know what else to say to the people who might be hurt by my life choices except that I’m sorry I didn’t live up to the expectations you set for me, no matter how unrealistic they were. I’m going to do me and if I get lost along the way, I’ll find my way out. Everyone knows I was a better honorary Boy Scout than my brother, so I’m always prepared. Well, okay, there’s a flashlight on my phone. But, either way, I’m going to be just fine and I am so thankful for everyone who supports me in everything I do. You guys are neat.

Here’s to being truly happy and not worrying about other people’s happiness!

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