Vulnerability and Feelings

I am so sick and tired of being stressed out. I wish that the internet was a real person, or maybe that I could be vulnerable to real people like I am on the internet without bawling my eyes out. What does it look like to be vulnerable? It sure doesn’t look like whatever I’m trying to do, which is bottling my feelings up inside my head. 

So, maybe a healthy dose of my writing out my feelings will be helpful. 

Feeling number one: I am going through a minor depressive state again in my life. I’ve gone through them before, the most recent being in junior high school. I’m just cranky all the time. I don’t want to talk to my friends anymore. Not like I had a lot before, but now I really have zero motivation to do any homework/readings that are required for my classes. I don’t want to get up in the mornings. I hate the idea of hanging out with people or even seeing anyone that I know in public. It’s not that I don’t want to get out of bed and participate in real life, I just don’t want to deal with anyone. I just want to go to class, not talk to anyone, listen to lecture, go to the next class, not talk to anyone, and so on until I end up back in my room for the night and do it again the next day. Life doesn’t seem to want to help me out here. I just keep getting pulled in different directions and hanging out with people who like to talk a lot and whatnot. I love them, don’t get me wrong, but right now, I just want to not talk to anyone. I don’t mind their presence, but I just don’t want to talk. Ya get me?

Feeling number two: I don’t deal well with what I perceive as conflict. Currently, my conflict is dealing with my roommate and the new roommate that I’m trying to move in with. The new one doesn’t want a roommate, but she doesn’t really get a choice and crap keeps coming up and I don’t have the patience to deal with it because I don’t want to talk about it. It’s mighty irritating. 

Feeling number three: It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, and once again, I am single. I just really want to be in a relationship. I try to act like I don’t care that I have never had a boyfriend and that the single life is amazing because I can be who I want to be and not feel tied to a single person. Truth is, it sucks after a while. Sure, its good to find yourself and discover who you are without a significant other, but I’ve found myself. I am confident in who I am and what I value. This is just something that has really been bugging me and I’m sick of blowing it off all the time with “#singlelyfe!” I want to be married before I’m 25 and I’m running out of time for this. All I really want in life is to be a wife, a mother to several children, and be a teacher. Which leads me to my next feeling that I’m going to share with you. 

Feeling number four: I have a hard time even being friends with a guy anymore because I just get all the feelings for him that I don’t want. Maybe at the time I want them, but looking back, my friendships could have been deeper if I hadn’t started “dating guys in my head” as girls call it. Basically, I read most conversations as more than they truly are and I get obsessed with the idea that some guy might like me. Its the hopeless romantic coming out in me. Because “WHAT IF THEY’RE THE ONE!?” They aren’t. Probably. I don’t even believe in “the one” or soul mates. So, how do I stop? I can’t see my friendships with guys as anything more than friends until he makes that clear. Basically, I have to friend-zone myself. So that’s cool.

Feeling number five: I feel like I have to impress everyone. My friends, my IV staff, my professors..the list doesn’t end. I just want to be myself without abandoning who I know I am. I just feel so much pressure to be a certain way, act a certain way, say certain things, not say others…I’m going to burst under all this pressure. It’s like a balloon. Each task is another breath of air, not enough to fill it up, but with enough small breaths, the balloon won’t be able to hold any more, and it will pop. I’m tired of trying to be good enough for everyone. I’m not good enough, that’s why I suck, why we all suck. No one is good enough and everyone just puts on facades to make it appear like they have their shit together. Take that last sentence for example. As a Christian, I know I shouldn’t swear, but sometimes I just want to and I don’t because “my church friends will judge me.” I don’t care anymore. I’m done trying to be someone I’m not. If people don’t accept all of me as I am, then that’s not my problem.

I guess those are the main things that are really adding to my stress and ultimately, my minor depression episode. That’s probably enough for the night, and look who didn’t get any homework done! Me.  

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