I’m going to be 100% honest with anyone who reads this blog. I do not feel worthy of being loved.
There, I said it.
I’ve been feeling down lately, like my life just isn’t panning out how I always imagined. College is supposed to be the best years of your life. You get to discover who you are, and if you don’t like that person, you recreate yourself. You become who you want to be and go where you want to go at your own pace. You’re supposed to enjoy life, friends, classes, professors, clubs, organizations. You’re supposed to graduate in four years with honors and with a degree that can take you places. You’re supposed to fall in love with someone, then get married. While life is working out just the way you always imagined, you’re buying a house, starting a family and holding down a job you adore. Right?
College isn’t like that. At least not for me.
People say it all the time: God made you just the way you are! You’re perfectly crafted in His image! He will bring the right guy along when the time is right who will love you for everything you are…and all that jazz. But what if He doesn’t. What if I’m not supposed to fall in love and get married and have a family? “God calls some people to be single…” I don’t want to be single. I want to feel loved. I need that in my life. I need daily reminders that someone out there loves me for who I am and I want to reciprocate that love. I hear stories all the time about how girls like me, who don’t feel beautiful and whatever, find love and get married and live happily ever after. I just don’t see myself being someone that a man loves. The idea that some guy out in the universe will think I am the most beautiful, strong, smart, kind, compassionate, and loving woman in the world baffles my mind. I just don’t think Mr. Right is out there.
It’s not that he doesn’t exist or can’t exist, but its the fact that I don’t believe that I am those things. How can someone else see those attributes in me if I can’t? I know I’m supposed to love myself and my body is a temple or whatever, but I just can’t do it. I can’t keep lying to myself anymore. I don’t feel beautiful. Is a person like me really worth loving?
Every time I have feelings for a guy, I come back to this thought: Guys will never like me. I’m not the kind of person a man dreams of meeting and falling in love with. And then I can’t help but feel like crap. Which is just what Satan wants from me. I’m falling into the lies that Satan is leading me into. But, why should I believe anything different?
Culture tells me I’m not pretty. Culture tells me I’m ugly, worthless, fat, and not good enough to be loved. My best friend in high school told me I was fat and how terrible of a friend I was. My family tells me that I need to lose weight and worry about what I look like. How can I possibly feel loved when these are the thoughts that have been engraved into my mind since I was a child? So, who’s to blame? Is it culture that feeds me these lies? Is it my family and friends who have told me that I’m ugly? Is it Satan for bringing me into these lies? Is it me? Am I to blame for my lack of self-worth? It’s my fault for believing all these things, isn’t it?
I’ve not been told that I am pretty, beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, nothing. Sure, my friends would say that I looked great in my prom dress or whatever, but that’s not sincere. Everything says that, even when it’s not true. Why? Because people want to feel beautiful and others are going to humor that desire. So why should I believe that I am anything of worth if everything and everyone around me is telling me the polar opposite?
Why? Because God says so. That’s why. God says I’m beautiful. He tells me I’m worth it. Do you know what I’m worth? I’m worthy of so much love that Jesus Christ came down and died for me. He would have done the same thing if I were the only person on earth. But just knowing these wonderful things doesn’t make it easier to feel worthy of earthly love. I know that I should desire the love of God above all else. I know that His love is the only thing I truly need. But He also created us to be in union with another, to love each other and grow in love with Him and each other.
So, when will I feel good enough? Will I ever feel worthy of love? I don’t know. I hope so. Because I have feelings for this guy at school and I can’t feel okay about them until I feel worthy of being loved back.
I want my life to be perfect, but I know it won’t be. I won’t get everything I dreamed of. I will have to make sacrifices for things I don’t even know that I want yet. Life is going to be hard, and it’s only going to be harder if I don’t figure out how to love myself.